I (do not heart) Auditors

Part of my job is to be the main intermediary between my division and any auditors that might happen upon my division. It has been a mostly painful part of the job. From my experience, a few clueless recent college graduates are sent to our facility to make sure we know what we're doing. I have compassion for them because I feel sorry for ignorant people. They have no idea, and thus I feel some sort of annoyed sympathy.

These youngins have absolutely no real-world business experience. Mommy and Daddy sent them off to expensive faraway colleges with plenty of extra money for expensive clothes and expensive haircuts and tanning club memberships. The expensive faraway colleges taught them how to audit, blew some self-important smoke up their butts, and gave them a little piece of paper that indicates that they are smart and qualified to tell people who actually do work what to do.

Imagine some 22-year-old narcissist who obviously knows nothing about your job coming into your office and telling you all about what you do. All they know is a textbook. Any semblance of common sense is completely lost on them. It's really a big joke that they are compensated so well. We can thank our wonderful Congress* for stepping in and protecting the American people from corporate fraud after Enron and perpetuating this ridiculous accounting mess.

I'm don't envy them. Really. I could've had their job out of college. I didn't want it. I could tell how miserable they were. They live out of their suitcases in a different hotel room every week. They work 65 hours a week because they have nothing better to do when being sent to random poe-dunk towns where nothing fun exists. They are universally hated by the people they audit. I would never want their paycheck knowing the life they have to live to obtain it. To get that paycheck, you have to sell your soul to the company. They'll use you, abuse you, chew you up and spit you out. You'll wind up being merely a shell of what you once were, but at least you'll have those extra couple thousand dollars a year. I'll stay where I am, thankyouverymuch.

(Exception: Our E&Y auditors are fantastic. I've gotten to know them over the years, and that has made all the difference in the world. Not all E&Y auditors, just the ones who have been assigned to us over the last couple years. They treat us with respect; they enter our facility with humility. So at least I know they can't all be bad.)

I made it very clear to these 3 young twentysomethings that I didn't have time for any fluff. I have tons of stuff to accomplish this week, especially considering my wife could go into labor at any moment. I'm stressed beyond belief, and I want to do as little for them as I possibly can to satisfy their ridiculous demands.

They don't care. They have college degrees and are certified auditors. I should be thankful that they exist, they think.

Of course, they don't realize that the only reason they have a job is because I WORK.

They ask stupid questions, I give them answers. They ask more stupid questions, I give them more answers. Then came the straw that broke my camel's back:

The Idiots: Company XYZ has bought $557,000 worth of product from you this year. Last year at this point, they only bought $541,000. Why such a big difference?
Me: That's not a big difference.
The Idiots: We think it's significant.
Me: That's $16,000 on an over half-million-dollar account. It's less than 3% more than last year.
The Idiots: Yes, we have determined that this is significant enough to warrant an explanation.
Me: (laughing, shocked) You really want an explanation as to why 1 random customer has bought 3% more stuff than last year?
The Idiots: Yes.
Me: Because... they bought more stuff. Want me to call them and ask?
The Idiots: (not amused)

Let's tell this story another way, just to explain how ridiculous it is. Let's say that I've eaten Cheerios for breakfast 57 times so far this year. And let's say I only ate Cheerios for breakfast 55 times by this date last year. Does that demand an explanation? Does anyone freaking care that I decided to eat 2 more bowls of Cheerios over 6 months?

These morons give accountants a bad name. Some of us have common sense. And some, sadly, take home big paychecks even though they have no clue what it takes to run a business.


*Government needs to stay the hell out of business. So a company named Enron went under because of crooked people, and a whole lot of people lost their jobs and a whole lot of investors lost a lot of money. Crap happens. Then our elected officials, many of whom are career politicians who only know how to make money by taking it from you and me, decide that they know the answer! We'll legislate! We'll make every publicly-owned company comply with these vague rules that we clueless politicians decide are important!

The real reason that this is so asinine is that accountants were part of the problem by not being able to discover the fraudulent activity... and now the government is rewarding accountants by passing all this stupid legislation that requires companies to pay auditors out the arse to ensure that everyone is playing fair!

God bless America. I'm tired and grumpy. I'm going to bed.