Private Post?

To be upfront, this post is for me. Not trying to be funny, not trying to entertain, and honestly not trying to motivate or encourage anyone else. I'd mark this as a private post if I knew how... then again, I try to be pretty open anyway, so if somebody else is feeling what I'm feeling, then maybe they'll be encouraged that they are not alone. In light of last weekend's retreat, I need to write some of these thoughts down, especially if Rm113 is something I want to be able to look back on as my life goes on...

My life changed in October 1995. That's when I first believed that Jesus is God. It's a lifechanging thing to believe that for the first time, as that moment is when one crosses from eternal death into eternal life. I don't remember many of the details of my conversion, as it was pretty overwhelming. Not an emotional experience, just overwhelming in an I'm a new person now kind of way. One of the only things I can clearly remember was this feeling (some might say the Holy Spirit) giving me the message of Jeremiah 29:11, that Jesus had BIG plans for me, that serving the Christ was what I was made for. 'Twas kind of exciting to feel that I had a purpose and to hear that so clearly.

There was a ton of initial change in my life. On a Sunday in October 1997, I was sitting in my typical 2nd row at Oak Hills Assembly of God with Big John and Selena (what ever happened to her... Tye? Have you heard anything?) and a couple others when I realized that I had been a believer for 2 entire years. Really?! Time was flying. But after that, change went slow. I mean, death to life happened at the blink of an eye, but other noticable change didn't happen as fast, not that I should expect that.

I didn't have a ton of expectations for myself early on. I think I partially expected Jesus to wave the magic wand or sprinkle some fairy dust on me to rid me of all the filth in my life, of which there was much. There's not anything satisfying about knowing that I was a new creation, the old was gone, the new had come, and yet I was still surfing internet porn as if it were my daily bread. At some point, I set goals for myself. You know, where do I want to be in 6 months? 1 year? 5 years? only to never once meet a single goal.

My goals weren't realistic, and somehow I think I lost track of the fact that God had big plans for me. His big plans got lost in my own personal big expectations. I remember thinking in October 2000 that I still didn't feel like I had gotten anywhere. (There's something about October, I always think back to that month in '95.) Except, in 2000, I was "leading" other people in their pursuit of Christ. I viewed myself as a failure, yet I was in a position of leadership to help others. Seemed backward to me. I needed a leader. But I was my own leader.

By October 2005, I was 10 years in and still most deifnitely felt like a failure. Except now, I have a wife and a child on the way that I'm responsible for. (And of course, now that child on the way is my awesome Toby, but I'm working in past tense here, people...) So here I am today, 10+ years in, still feeling like a failure. Still looking around for the fruit of my efforts, or the fruit of God's work in me, and not seeing much noteworthy.

I've always been my own harshest critic. So this pity-party for myself could probably be debunked if I'd just listen to people in their encouragement, but then I wouldn't get to throw this pity-party for myself, would I?

Update for my Chinese New Year's Resolution: I need to surrender. I need to stop trying to make God feel like I'm worthy of all the blessings He has to offer, because I'm not. I'm filthy, I'm dirty, I'm a loser... and yet the blood of the lamb is on my doorframe. I'll use Andrew Peterson's lyrics guide me here... Lord, let your judgment pass over me. Lord let your love hover near. Don't let your sweet mercy pass over us. Let this blood cover over us here. Was I going somewhere with this? Oh. Yes. Resolution: let God be God, and let me be a sheep. And yes, I still need to do my part and live my life according to God's guidance, but I need to be released from the chains I put on myself in the form of unreachable expectations and enjoy the freedom I was offered at Calvary.