Back when they were '20', not 'Twenty'

I'm very much in a Matchbox 20 "Long Day" kind of mood. I need a good angry song right now. Always liked that song... I think it's because of the s-bomb that unapologetically shows itself in the opening lyric...

Today: up early for work, straight to church for a quality illegal music rehearsal, just now getting home. Robyn and Toby were asleep when I left this morning, and they are asleep now that I'm finally home. So, I'm unwinding for a few minutes here before joining my sleeping family upstairs...

This post has serious 'random' potential...

I have a pretty cool sister. Lots of searching going on in that linked post. Mike Warnock would be proud of her...

We went up to Dayton Sunday afternoon for my cousin's baby's baptism. Little Maggie was born November 1st. By my calculation as of Sunday, that makes her 16 weeks old. As of Sunday, Toby was 7-and-a-half weeks. So it makes perfect sense that The Tobe outweighs Maggie by a few l.b.'s. And Maggie isn't considered small... our Goat is just large. At the party following the baptism, we put Maggie and Toby on a blanket together on the floor. It was kinda loud in the room, but I think I heard somebody say that Maggie ought to be careful because Toby might eat her. Ok, so I made that up. I just needed to hear if it was funny or not. It's really late, you know.

I think I'm about to be somewhat serious... which means I've successfully wound down and will be asleep in a matter of minutes.

I've been thinking alot about how selfishly glad I am that Toby was born big and healthy and continues to physically grow quickly. Our previous doctor was concerned for him while Robyn was pregnant, as there were some potential signs of trouble on the ultrasound pictures. Another time during the pregnancy, we made a middle-of-the-night emergency room run because we thought something was wrong. Very early in the pregnancy, I had what I thought was reason to believe that he might be born with a disability. And yet, I continued to proclaim that Jesus is in control and that whatever happens with our child will be bearable because of the peace and hope we have in Christ. Part of me wondered, even during Robyn's labor, if Toby would come out and be "normal". Sure enough, he is a big, wonderful, mellow, healthy boy.

Thing is, all of my proclamations that everything would be ok happened before he was born. I meant them 100%, and honestly feel that if my worst fears came true, I would've been able to just turn to my Father and rested in Him and let go and wait for Him to carry me through to better days.

I don't know if I could confidently say that now. My love for him is more than I imagined it could be. I love watching him live. I love watching him look up in wonder at my favorite person in the world (Robyn). I love holding him. I love feeling his face on my cheek. I love changing his diaper. I love the little noises that he makes, yes, even sometimes when they are diaper-related (I'm not that far away from being a teenager, you know). I love when he smiles at me. I love when he throws his head around as he yawns. I love when he sticks his chest out as he wakes up. (He's definitely about as good in the morning as his parents are, which is to say that he's absolutely not a morning person.)

A friend of a friend of mine lost her child after several weeks of life. I couldn't imagine how devastating it would be. We've all heard it said that outliving your child is one of the most painful things a person could ever go through. And now, as Toby approaches 2 months, I'm amazed at how much love a father can have for his child in such a short amount of time, and I couldn't imagine ever losing him.

So there you have it. I've come full-circle in the last 20 minutes... angry... calm... happy... funny... scared-out-of-my-mind-about-something-that-I-have-no-reason-to-believe-I-need-to-be-scared-out-of-my-mind-about (that's one hyphenated word, of course)... thus, I shall bid you a fond farewell for the evening, pray, and head upstairs to hopefully cuddle with the fam for a fleeting moment.

? of the day... with the #1 pick in the fantasy draft, should I take A-Rod, Pujols, or should I reach for Javy Valentin? Or some other longshot? Tim Wakefield?