I continue to get angry at myself for some of the things I do. I get bummed out when I can't seem to avoid "sinning". I am repulsed by some of my own thoughts and actions. But when it really gets down to the heart of the matter, I'm not really asking God to help. I'm very selfish and I'm probably a closet narcissist, and I think I have the power to just stop sinning, which is ludicrous.
Reminder to self: the things I think and do that aren't honoring to God are merely a symptom of the dirtiness in my heart. The things I think and do aren't the problem... they are evidence of the problem. I'm sickened more at these things than I am by the rebelliousness of my heart.
Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love; according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions. Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin.
For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me. Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight, so that you are proved right when you speak and justified when you judge. Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me. Surely you desire truth in the inner parts; you teach me wisdom in the inmost place.
Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow. Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones you have crushed rejoice. Hide your face from my sins and blot out all my iniquity.
Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.
--Psalm 51:1-12
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