My 1st Running Diary

I’m about to go all ESPN Sports Guy on y’all. Here’s my first attempt at a running diary. Just don’t expect it to be as good as Simmons’.
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8:00 – Alright, here we go, top 12, baby… wait a minute… Robyn? Did Seacrest just say 2 hours? What are they trying to do to me? I can’t handle 2 hours. It’s too much… they’re gonna burn me out someday…

8:02 – Stevie Wonder is in the house! This is sweet! Wait… no… he’s not here? They’re all singing his songs… he practiced with everyone… and he’s not here? OK, I can handle this. At least they are singing Stevie Wonder tonight. This should be good.

8:03 – Randy just referred to the entire audience as his "bigger dog pound". At work tomorrow, I will inform the entire 3rd floor that they to forevermore refer to themselves as "Scott's dog pound" and do the Arsenio Hall motion whenever I say anything. And then I will clean out my desk and wait for the nice people with the straightjacket and padded van to take me away.

8:05 – Ace… what is there to say about Ace… he’s not gonna be eliminated anytime soon, because he’s beautiful and all of the girls in the nation under the age of 17 will probably vote for him constantly from 10-midnight… Robyn just questioned me calling him beautiful. But he is. Don’t lie, guys, you know he’s hot.

8:06 – Robyn just agreed that Ace is hot. This bothers me a little. If I said that one of these girls was hot, I’d be in trouble. This is a double standard. And there’s nothing that I can do about it if I want to remain happily married to a happily wife. Happy wife. Sorry. But his voice just isn’t that great.

8:08 – Randy just told Ace that he wasn’t all that great. How come when the judges are honest and tell someone that it wasn’t great, the audience boos? Isn’t the purpose of a judge to be honest and critique the performance? I'm going to boo my boss the next time he says the stats in my TPS report aren't good enough.

8:09 – Paula doesn’t appear to be drunk tonight. I consider this to be a bummer... it's always a little more fun when Paula doesn't realize that she's conscious. And Simon is still the man. I'd like to see him punch Seacrest in the gut sometime before this season is over. These are my official judge opinions.

8:15 – Kellie… country girl… singing R&B… not good. Robyn notices the red high heels with the black dress, says nobody in real life can get away with that. I don’t know. What do I know about women’s fashion?

8:17 – OK… THAT was not ok… she just adjusted her boobs on live TV… that is not good form… I’m now expecting Taylor to grab his crotch later in the program. In fact, if he grabs his crotch and then proceeds to tell the judges that his harmonica hurts, I will quit life.

8:23 – Elliott is going to do great. I know it. This is his style. I mean, he’s funny looking, but he’s good. Not to criticize his looks, cause I’m funny looking too. And yes, he’s good. But he kinda looks like a cross between Jay Leno and a rat. But I like him. And just for the record, Leno sucks. But Elliott doesn’t. But. But. But. I need to stop starting sentences with ‘but’. It’s not proper sentence structure.

8:31 – I still like the Ford Escape commercial with Kermit kayaking and climbing a mountain. Gotta love them Muppets. The world would be a better place if every commercial featured a Muppet. Preferably some of the more obscure Muppets, like Sweetums or Floyd. Or a crustacean like Pepe. I feel strongly about this.

8:34 – Seacrest just rubbed Mandisa's legs. Now he is complimenting Mandisa for her well-moisturized ankles. How are we supposed to feel about this? Question: will Seacrest grab... err... touch any of the guys’ ankles before 10:00? I’m guessing no… nor do I blame him. Ace was his best shot, and he’s already done for the night. You know, because Ace is beautiful.

8:38 – Bucky is not allowed to sing “Superstitious” after the commercial break. That’s my favorite Stevie song. Taylor needs to sing that one. Did Stevie ever write a Skynard song? Didn’t Stevie write “That Smell”? Quick… Stevie… write a country song… Bucky’s head might explode if he has to leave his required genre…

8:41 – I’m setting the over/under on Randy’s first declaration of “We Got a Hot One Tonight!” at 30 seconds after Taylor's performance, even though I have no idea when that is. This would make me a horrible gambler... to set odds, one must have at least some general knowledge. I have none. Therefore, I'll be placing no bets.

8:45 – They made Bucky pretty! How’d this happen? Robyn says this is the first time he’s ever brushed his hair. And I’m surprised at how good this performance is. I was expecting it to be horrible. The scariest thing is he could actually a reasonably attractive woman if he got rid of the facial hair. Did I just say that out loud? I’ve had a long day, people. I'm straight and very attracted to my wife. Just for the record.

8:48 – Simon just talked bad about Bucky’s “Jessica Simpson hairstyle”. This only helps to solidify my opinion that Simon is the man. And it actually makes me feel a little less disgusted that I wrote about Bucky’s potential to be an attractive woman 3 minutes ago.

8:54 – Does Melissa own an article of clothing that covers her entire abdomen? This bothers me. She’s wearing a dress that has a hole approximately 6 inches above her bellybutton. I’m not staring. It’s just difficult to miss. I really like her voice—it’s so unique, especially in comparison to the other remaining girls. I’d like her voice even more if she’d cover herself more sufficiently.

9:07 – I just missed the entire Lisa performance due to a random phone call. So I have no clue here. Simon liked it, so that’s good. And we just had our first mention of the infamous “it” factor. I should have set an over/under on that as well.

9:08 – Chicken Little is up next. I kinda want him to do horrible, not because I don’t like him, just because I think he has no business being in the top 12, and the only way to remedy this situation is to send him home this week. Man, I sound like a jerk. Either way, I am not expecting to hear “we got a hot one tonight” after Kevin’s performance.

9:14 – Kevin just hugged an 8-year-old girl. He’s such a playa, and I don’t mean a beach. His willingness to go along with the whole “sex symbol” thing is hilarious. Maybe we need to keep him around just for his comedic value. At first, he didn’t get the joke. But now, he gets it. And he finds it every bit as funny as the rest of us do.

9:16 – Screw it. I’m voting for him. I can’t believe I just changed my entire opinion of the guy in 8 minutes. I can’t decide if I hate myself more for this or for drafting Alex Rodriguez, Derek Jeter, Randy Johnson, Barry Bonds, and AJ Pierzynski all in the same fantasy baseball draft last weekend. I really don’t like myself sometimes.

9:18 – Kevin just agreed with Seacrest that Simon is "his hell". Robyn just said “I think somebody gave Kevin alcohol.” I find this so entertaining. My wife is now an Idol-addict like me, and she thinks the 16 year old anti-sex-symbol is a drunk.

9:22 – Inagaddadavida is the soundtrack to a commercial. Is there nothing sacred? (I once was a part of a “band” that played a 16-minute version of that song. In my defense, I was 15, and I got to play the organ part. So it’s really not that bad. Except I think we taped it, so it might be floating out there on the internet somewhere, which would be bad.)

9:24 – Katharine is my favorite girl in this competition. I’m expecting big things here.

9:26 – She’s still my favorite. She reminds me of Kelly Clarkson, whom I’m not afraid to admit that I like quite a lot. I prefer Katharine’s voice to the rest of the remaining ladies. And I’m ok with Randy ruining my “We Got a Hot One Tonight!” prediction that I was expecting to go to the next guy performer, who happens to be Taylor. And Simon just said that Katharine reminds him of Kelly Clarkson… which once again proves that I’m a genius. I am the coolest person I know.

9:28 – I just rethought my statement that I am the coolest person I know. I shall now revise that statement: I am the coolest person I know that is currently enough of a loser to be writing a running diary of an American Idol episode.

9:30 – Toby is still asleep… this is amazing… is it possible that we will make it through an entire show without him requiring the comfort of mommy? No way… he’ll probably start screaming any second now… you know, now that the 3 remaining contestants are 3 of our favorites…

9:34 – How could anyone not like Taylor? He just seems to be such a genuine guy. I’d like to get a pizza and a coke with the dude.

9:37 – Man, can he sing or what?! And he looks like he’s enjoying every second of this. And another reason I like him is that I’ve finally found someone I can out-dance. I could just get up there and do ‘The Lawnmower’ and I’d win a dance-off against him. I’m voting for this guy. America needs a pop star that dances worse than me.

9:43 – Paris confuses me. I like her… she’s definitely good… seems to have a cool personality… but I can’t see her winning this year. Maybe they’ll let her try out again in a couple years. She’ll win then.

9:45 – If you read here with some semblance of regularity, you already know that Chris is my favorite. Once again, I’m expecting big things from him. Then again, he’s so good that he could probably put it on cruise control for a few more weeks and get by.

9:52 – No cruise control tonight. Chris is silly good. If Bo Bice was in this competition, he’d look pathetic next to Chris. (Speaking of Bo… did anyone see/hear his performance last Thursday on the results show? Could his performance have possibly been any worse?) If Chris had a CD out right now, I wouldn’t wait until tomorrow to buy it… I’d get it off iTunes tonight. He’s just in another world in comparison to the rest.

9:56 – Randy, Paula, and Simon have given their opinions, I’ve given mine… now I will rank them from best to worst… Guys: Chris, Elliot, Taylor, Bucky, Ace, and Kevin. Gals: Katharine, Mandisa, Paris, Melissa, and Kellie. I can’t pass judgement on Lisa, as I didn’t hear her performance.

9:59 – I’d like to thank FOX for bringing Idol back to a reasonable 2 nights per week. 3 was just 1 too many nights. And if possible, I’d appreciate scaling it back to just an hour on Tuesday instead of 2. But I’m a sucker, I’ll watch either way.

So there you have it… my first attempt at a running diary. Bedtime.