Warning: Rambling Ahead

If you're looking for insight into what's happening in my brain, read on. If you're looking for a happy post, you might want to skip this one.

I realized that I have been completely set up for failure to obtain the Perfect Christmas Gift for my wife. This was a horrifying realization. It's at least partially the calendar's fault. Regardless, I'm marginally confident that I did, in fact, have a breakdown last night.

My wife is not a materialistic person... she doesn't need expensive things... she doesn't spend ridiculous amounts of money on anything... she's not a woman who feels the need to be up on what the designers say are the latest fashions and trends...

And yet, I know she likes to receive a thoughtful gift on Christmas morning. Who doesn't?

Here is (are) the problem(s):

• I know exactly what the Perfect Christmas Gift is. I'm just not sure if it exists.
• If it does exist, I have no idea how much it costs.
• I refuse to shop on Thanksgiving weekend. Call it principle, call it laziness, whatever, I don't go out that weekend.
• But Thanksgiving was late this year, and Busy Week started that Monday. That made it impossible to shop on lunch breaks.
• Since we were flying to Europe on the 9th, I had to work later than usual several of those Busy Week days, which made it impossible to shop after work and still get home in time to see an awake Toby.
• I thought I might find the Perfect Christmas Gift in London, but then I wasn't sure how I would obtain it, since Robyn would be with me the entire time. This is a moot point, as I was unable to locate the Perfect Christmas Gift in London.
• I'm bothered when people say "mute point", when the correct verbiage is, as aforementioned, "moot point." This is random and irrelevant, and yet it feels so essential to this post.
• I have been running around like a chicken with my head cut off since getting back stateside in thus far futile attempt to locate the Perfect Christmas Gift.
• I thought I found it yesterday... it wasn't 100% Perfect, but appeared to be probably 95% Perfect, which, quite honestly, is good enough, considering the calendar. And it was affordable! Holy Sweet Mother! And Eureka and such! I turned the 95% Perfect Christmas Gift over for final inspection prior to purchase...
• ...and saw a UPC bar code on the bottom with a sticker that unfortunately stated MADE IN CHINA.
• Talk about ruining a potentially good thing. That bar code and sticker quickly devalued the 95% to a negative 364%. The Perfect Christmas Gift certainly cannot be made in China, nor have a UPC bar code on the bottom.
• Sigh.
• Oh yeah, I guess I better get home, as Robyn said all of our water pipes are frozen.
• Oh yeah, and Toby has decided to be the most horrible almost-three-year-old to ever exist.
• Oh yeah, and the washing machine is broken.
• Gosh this car still hasn't warmed up. The Pimp Boat has been good to me, but when I'm driving for 35 minutes and still don't have one iota of heat, that can't be a good sign of the longterm prognosis for the vehicle.
• And we got the first big utility bill of the season. Yikes.
• And I'm pretty sure we got in a big fight about my emotional state, but I'm not really sure, because I'm too busy having an emotional breakdown to be aware enough to know what's going on in my life or the life of my family...

Merry Christmas.