Humbled

I posted earlier here that I might rant again later, so if you like your reading to be sequential, you may wish to take this opportunity to scroll down a post, then come back... go ahead, I'll wait... (long pause...) Welcome back. This one might be a book, so bear with me, and I'll shrink the font...

Jesus Christ saw me stuck in my own sin, loved me, and, out of the pure grace that is the very nature of God, died for me. He was the forgiving blood that freed me from my damned eternal status. He was the perfect sacrifice, the perfect lamb. My punishment was taken on his shoulders. He was pierced so that I might be free to live a life where I can hold a grudge against my fellow Christians.

How ridiculous does that last sentence read? At the same time, I laugh and cringe. It's so ridiculous that it's funny. So true that it's painful.

I've had a couple very humbling experiences when it comes to forgiveness. (This is not to say that all of my wounds have scabbed over-- I know I still have some painful spots from the Oak Hills Assembly days, although I also know that everyone, on my end, has been forgiven.) One would certainly be the Tonya situation. Messy. You guys know that. But even so, it's very forgiven. You might remember me talking of one Tuesday night years ago at Apex (Dayton) when pastor Rob told the congregation that he knew there was someone in the room that needed to ask for forgiveness. Sure, in a room with a couple hundred people, he could say that every week and never be wrong, but it was convicting nonetheless. I knew that I needed to ask her for forgiveness for my role. So I called. From the church. I'm pretty sure I caught her off-guard, I'm pretty sure I could've asked for forgiveness "better", but regardless, I obeyed what the spirit was clearly telling me to do. [After all, how dare I expect God to forgive me if I can't forgive another? Haven't I violated God more than I've violated a fellow human being? OK... rambling...] It was such a liberating feeling. The weight of the world was lifted from my shoulders. My burden was heavy, but the Forgiver's burden is light. Since that night of humbling myself and submitting to God's word, not once have I wanted anything but the best for her. That doesn't mean I want Robyn and I to double date with her and Mark. That doesn't mean I think we should be buddies. But it does mean that I want Jesus Christ to reign in her life and it does mean that I want her to experience the life to the full that John writes about and that YL intrigues students with. And my heart is glad that she has found a husband who can love her the way she deserves to be loved. Because no matter how painful the situation was back in the day, the process of forgiveness is and has been complete on my end. And everyone deserves to be loved well. Aren't I the chief of sinnners? I feel like it sometimes. Wow this is a long paragraph...

Fast-forward to my most recent humbling forgiveness experience this past Monday night. Location: The Underground. Event: All-city Campaigners. I didn't even realize how much anger I had stored up for that place. I had weird vibes while pulling into the parking lot and even told Brooke, "I don't even want to be here." So how humbling must it have been to have a quality lengthy Godly conversation with the club owner I had held a grudge against for so many years? I apologized to him, face to face. I couldn't even remember what I was apologizing for. And then I didn't want to leave. I just wanted to stay there and be humbled. Forgiveness. It's liberating. And it's very much a part of......

God's Word. I must know the Bible. (This is my whole point in writing all of this. This whole post has been a build-up to this main theme.) I must be a student of God. One of the very most basic foundations of Christ's message is forgiveness. I've claimed to be a believer for 10 years now, and just this past Monday is when I finally let go of baggage from 4 years ago? I must know what God has to say to His people. 10 years and there are still parts of the Bible that I've never read. 10 years and I feel like I need to take Christianity 101 all over again. I need His word which is the bread of life--every day that I am not studying is a day in which I am starving myself. I must feed my soul with Jesus Christ who is the Word of God. Otherwise, I will starve and/or fall off the straight and narrow like so many "Godly" men who have gone before me. My God, my wife, my son, my friends, my church, and this world all deserve better from me.

My wife (who has demonstrated forgiveness to me thousands of times, including the Tonya situation as one huge example) will deliver my firstborn son into this world in approximately 4 months. Toby deserves to look up to a human father who looks to the heavenly Father. I want my son to learn how to live by looking at me looking at Jesus.

Apologies for the length. Props to you for making it through the post.